Bossypants. When a woman finds a book (XX)
It is difficult to find someone to admire, well, this book makes it simple. Ladies and gentlemen, she is funny, she is clever, she is everything.
Evidence? You ask. Well, here you go:
"Gay people don't actually try to convert people. That's Jehovah's Witnesses you're thinking of."
"The Worldwide Parental Anxiety System is failing if this many of us have made sex tapes."
"Jess﹘Chriss continued to wish that I was dead and/or better looking."
"These borderline﹘homeless guys were sneaking women up to their rooms. which only goes to show that women continue to corner the market on low gag reflex."
"Whitney Houston's cover of "I Will Always Love You" was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolute no one."
"That's the kind of trouble you get when diverse groups of people actually cross paths with one another. That's why many of the worst things in the world happen in and around Starbucks bathrooms."
"While people around me start to relax, I keep my eyes on the sea, waiting to be rocketed into it on a wave of fire. I'll be ready for it to happen and that way it won't happen. It's a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper‑vigilance, but it's my lot in life."
"In my youth I washed daily with Ivory soap and Prell shampoo. Everyone knew Prell was the best shampoo because you could also use it to clean a frying pan."
"As you age, you may want to pay someone to shoot lasers at your face."
"That feeling of "I'm pretty sure this next step is wrong, but I'm just gonna do it anyway" is part of the same set of instincts that makes me such a great cook."
"At a certain point your body wants to be disgusting."
"You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams."
"While this is going on, someone gives you a manicure and a pedicure. At really fancy shoots, a celebrity fecalist will study your bowel movements and adjust your humours."
"A controlled, photo shoot environment is where extensions belong. Places that are less ideal for hair extensions: the grocery store, women's prison, a water park."
"A lot of women are outraged by the use of Photoshop in magazine photos. I say a lot of women because I have yet to meet one man who could give a fat turd about the topic. Not even a gay man."
"I feel about photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society... unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."
""Why can't we accept the human form as it is?" screams no one. I don't know why, but we never have. That's why people wore corsets and neck stretchers and powdered wigs."
"What is the rudest question you can ask a woman? "How old are you?" "What do you weight?" "When you and your twin sister are alone with Mr. Hefner, do you have to pretend to be lesbians?""